Meeting needs of military families: VFW has teamed up with a corporation and created a program tailored to help on the home front

MAYBE YOU LOST OUT ON THE GOOD-GENES SWEEPSTAKES. You've got a schnozz with its own seat in Congress. Or you've got a lace and bod like Brad but a fashion sense that is truly the Pitts. Maybe you wish you could look half as good as Danny DeVito. Whatever. You can still move from not to hot without having the Queer Eye guys ripping you to pieces like hyenas on Animal Planet.

Start with these tips, our definitive list of everything you need to do to improve your looks: from what to wear and how to work out to what to eat and health dos and don'ts. In three months, when the paparazzi are hounding you 'cause you look like a star, just turn toward the camera and wink. We'll take that as a "Thank yon."

CLOTHING

SUIT YOURSELF: When shopping for suits, worry more about fit than price: A $400 suit that fits perfectly flatters you better than a $4,000 ensemble that doesn't.

GET SHORTY: If you're under 5'10", stick with suits and jackets that have a "short" cut. They're better proportioned and won't make you look like David Byrne in Stop Making Sense.

PLAY YOUR HEAVY HITTERS. Better to own a few swanky clothing items you love than a closet full of cheap, ridiculous items you won't even wear.

MAKE AN UNDER STATEMENT: Wear a white undershirt in the office (under your outer shirt, Einstein). It soaks up sweat, plus that little bit of white poking out helps you look more put-together.

GET LOOPY: Wear a belt. Always. It's the follow-through in your backhand, the whipped cream on your Frappuccino. Plus, it gives the gals something to do (or undo) while you're kicking off your shoes.

TEE OFF YOUR WARDROBE: Everyone's real impressed by your muscles. But outside the gym, an armless muscle tee says "Clueless" before it says "Call me."

STRIPE A POSE: It's still true: Vertical stripes make you look slimmer, Fact: Rockers Jack and Meg White are actually 240 and 370 pounds, respectively.

COLOR SCHEME: Never pair a brown belt with black shoes (and vice versa). You're not a Doberman pinscher.

HANG UP YOUR TIGHTS: When your tighty-whities are no longer white, burn them. (That goes for your pit-stained tees, too, Casanova.)

PLEAT GUILTY: Take your pleated pants and donate them to the Salvation Army. Same goes for ones that taper at the bottom. They make you book top-heavy, fat, and, well, like you're trapped in 1985.

GET A LOOK: Pick a clothing style and stick with it. Don't dress like you're in Glee Club one day and like you're going to a Marilyn Manson concert the next.

PULL YOUR DAMN PANTS UP: When Britney Spears' undies stick out of her jeans, it's cute. When yours do, it's pathetic. If you've got bunching issues, wear boxer briefs--women eat 'em up.

COVER UP: Don't let chest shrubbery blossom from your undershirt. No need to hire a gardener to manicure your lawn. Just stick with a crew neck.

DON'T BAG OUT: When it comes to leather jackets, windbreakers, and winter outerwear, err on the small side. Don't be afraid to buy a fitted jacket: A baggy leather bomber is not "do bomb."

GROOMING

YOU GO, GIRLY: Dip into your girlfriend's I bag of tricks: Exfoliation and moisturizing aren't just for chicks--they'll help your skin glow. Man brands include Gillette I and Nivea for Men.

TAKE A POWDER: Use Gold Bond for your private areas--the powder cuts down on ugly red chafing. Just don't overuse or you'll puff clouds like a gymnast.

NOSE YOUR LIMITS: What's more embarrassing: plopping that nose-hair trimmer down at the checkout counter or having wheat grass protruding from your nostrils?

IT'S OK TO FLIP-FLOP: Fungus ain't fun. To avoid it, keep your bare feet from touching anything in the locker room. That means wearing flip-flops in the shower stall and standing on a towel while drying off.

MAP OUT YOUR HAIR BORDERS; When your neck hair starts to meet your back hair, it's called an "ape drape." Let your barber have at it, Kong.

GET ORGAN-IZED: Trim the hair "down there" to make it look bigger. Hey, it's far less painful and expensive than penis enlargement. Trust us.

WHO'S THE FLOSS? Think flossing once a week is OK? Try after every meal You'll keep your gums healthy and prevent receding. Bonus: free leftovers! Yum.

TELL THE TOOTH: Think about making your pearly whites even whiter. Bleached teeth brighten your whole face in a not-too-obvious, soap-actor kind of way.

ZAP YOUR ZITS: To tame acne outbreaks, use a cleanser with salicylic acid, such as Clearasil. Playing mirror hockey (squeezing them) seems like a solution, but it can leave permanent scars.

TRIM YOUR TALONS: Clip your fingernails as soon as you see the whites. Unless you're going for that '70s pimp--or worse yet, Nosferatu--look.

DON'T BE A MEISTER-BROW: One reason Sesame Street's Bert has been a bachelor for so many years may be that unibrow. All Ernie's pal needs is tweezers and as steamy bathroom, A separate bedroom wouldn't hurt either, by the way.

WAX OFF: Wanna show off your muscles and lose the Dr. Zaius look? Then don't shave your body--wax it. Shaved hair grows in at different cycles and looks uneven. Waxing keeps you stubble-free longer, which she'll appreciate.

FITNESS

UTILIZE PEDAL POWER: If it's feasible, commute on a bike. You'll get leg definition, cardio, and a healthy glow when you arrive at the office. We surest the iXi bike. It has a rubber drive belt (substituting for that greasy chain), an iPod compartment, and can fold down flat. ($1,28g @ ixibike.com)

CHART YOUR PROGRESS: Log your fitness advancements: At specific intervals, have photos taken (clothing optional) and get a trainer to tape*measure your muscles. "It shows the fruits of your labor," says former Mr. Universe Lee Labrada, founder of Labrada Nutrition, That gives you motivation to go back for more.

FOLLOW THROUGH WITH EVOLUTION: Don't get no respect? Get erect. A guy with good posture "stands taller and walks prouder," says trainer Craig Ballantyne. Practice on the seated-row machine: Use a wide overhand grip on a wide-grip handle. As you pull the bar back toward you, pinch your shoulder blades together while pushing your chest out.

GET PUMPED: Get a quick pump before a big date. No, we're not talking about cleaning out your pipes, pal. Repeating upper-body exercises like biceps curls causes fluid to temporarily increase the size of your veins and muscles, says Ballantyne. It lasts about an hour--just enough time for you to work your mojo.

BE EVEN-STEVEN: Pay attention to symmetry and proportion. If you're working lust your chest and biceps, you'll get top-heavy. "A balanced body is beautiful to the eye," says Labrada.

WATCH YOUR ASS: "Most guys ignore everything behind them, training-wise," says Alwyn Cosgrove, owner of Results Fitness in Santa Clarita, Calif., "especially what they can't see in the mirror." Cosgrove recommends stepups on a bench for booty-ful balance.

STICK IT UP: The transverse abdominis (the muscle you contract when you suck in your gut) can be trained merely by holding in your stomach--the first step to a six-pack, Tie a string tight around your belly, instructs Cosgrove, and pull in your tummy every time you feel tension from the string. You should see results in a week--even if you're already ab-ulous.

BECOME TAN-TASTIC: Bring out muscle definition with a fake (non-premature-aging, non-cancer-causing) tan (we like Clinique Skin Supplies for Men Bronzer). Darker skin brings out muscle definition better than a pasty casing. Just be sure to rub in the self-tanner carefully--streaks are for freaks.

GROW SHOULDER AND WISER: Atlas had a pretty good look, carrying the world on his shoulders and all. So take a page out of his book and work on your cannonball delts, says Cosgrove. "It makes your arms look better and your waist look thinner."

HEALTH

AVOID WET T-SHIRT CONTESTS: Change clothes after your workout, Your soaking-wet T-shirt and shorts not only smell bad, but the moisture also breeds fungus. Plus, sweat clogs pores and can lead to body zits, a.k.a. backne, chestne, and yes, the dreaded assne.

TEST NEGATIVE: Anabolic steroids cause greasy skin, acne, and premature balding. Unattractive Bonus: They make you as volatile as Tony Soprano.

EXPAND YOUR SOLE: If your shoes are tight around the toes, get them stretched. Narrow dress shoes can give you bunions, which is not another name for onion rolls but, rather, for nasty looking sores.

SLEEP IT OFF: Not getting enough sleep may contribute to obesity. While you're sleeping, your body peaks in producing hormone called leptin, which regulates fat stored in the body. Not sleeping throws your leptin production out of whack and disorients your fat monitors, leading your body to store fat instead of burning it.